Cardboard Testimonies

I received an email from my sister-in-law this week that had a very humbling video attached to it. In the video there are many people who have written their testimonies on a piece of cardboard. Most of them being on liners, not very long. As I watched the video, I found myself weeping. This has changed my life. I was trying to figure out what I would say on piece of cardboard. I came up with a few...

Living in Sin....... Saved by Grace!

Tumor on my pituitary gland, Doctor's unsure..... Surgery in 2001, PERFECT health.

Sleepless nights full of fear and worry...... Layed them all at Jesus' feet!

and my favorite one..

Told by doctors children impossible...... Two beautiful boys at home!!!

For all of these and more I say... THANK YOU, JESUS!!

What would your cardboard testimony say??

Weekend Fun!

It has been a fabulous weekend for us!  It started with my nephew Matt coming into town Thursday night.  The boys love playing with him.  Friday night Patrick and Papa had a sleep over.  I'm not sure who had more fun, but from what I understand it was a blast.  They ate popcorn, pistachios, ice cream and snickers.  They enjoyed a swim in the pool and a bubble bath afterwards.  They played rock, paper, scissors, watched baseball and enjoyed breakfast together on Saturday. 

On Saturday, we enjoyed Patrick's last t-ball game.  He hit really well and even got a few players out.  Then Saturday night we celebrated my nephew Alex's graduation from high school.  We didn't get in until late, and by the time we got the boys to bed, we were exhausted.

Sunday, we stayed home from church because we had two exhausted boys who didn't sleep very well the night before.  Rusty and I celebrated our 12th anniversary with a pool party. After lunch we headed to Nana and Papa's for BBQ.  We had a great time!  The water was chili, but we still managed to get in some swimming.  Patrick stayed at Nana's again and we brought Emilee home with us for the night. (What a way to spend your anniversary!)

Today was the best!  The pool party began around 11:00am.  The children played while Papa and I played lifeguard.  Then he and I decided to take the Plunge and jump in.  WOW it was cold.  We swam for awhile, while Chris and Rusty grilled burgers.  After lunch we swam some more.  We finally called it quits around 4:30.  The children took one last dip in Nana's jacuzzi tub, and then we headed home.  We really enjoyed each other's company.  I always love times like these.  They are so special and make so many memories.  Check out the slide show!

Thank you, Mom!

Tonight we went over to my parents' house.  My brother Phillip         ( Uncle Buck) grilled out steaks, made beer mashed potatoes, and green beans for dinner.  We had a great time.  Papa and the boys swam in the pool, while Nana and I sat on the steps and watched.  After dinner, we sent Rusty and Phillip to Breuster's for some much needed ice cream!  It was a lot of fun.  Patrick especially enjoyed spending time with his Papa.  They sat out by the pool and enjoyed pistachios.  And Papa even took a bubble bath with the boys.  That was a sight!!!  As I was sitting outside watching the boys play, I started thinking about all the experiences my children have.  Then I started thinking about all the experiences my parents gave me when I was a little girl. 

Since it's Mother's Day, I would like to say a special thank you to my mom for all she has done for me in my life.  I don't even know where to start.  It's not about gifts, as much as it is time and affection.  She has always been there for me throughout my life, whether to fix a booboo, encourage me to do my best, or hold on to me when my heart was breaking. Even now at 35 years of age, I still want to run to her when something goes wrong, or I am nervous and scared.  I am not going to lie and say that it has always been "a bed of roses", because we all know how girls can challenge their moms, but for the most part, it has been great!!

Right now I would like to thank her most for taking care of my children.  I admit I am very spoiled, because I don't have to pay for daycare, and I can't think of better care during the week than "NANA".  She watches Nathan for me everyday and I truly couldn't be more thankful!!  Here's a poem I found online that pretty much sums up my feelings.  I hope you enjoy it, Mom!

Super Mom

Mom, you're a wonderful mother,
So gentle, yet so strong.
The many ways you show you care
Always make me feel I belong.

You're patient when I'm foolish;
You give guidance when I ask;
It seems you can do most anything;
You're the master of every task.

You're a dependable source of comfort;
You're my cushion when I fall.
You help in times of trouble;
You support me whenever I call.

I love you more than I can express;
You have my total respect.
If I had my choice of mothers,
You'd be the one I'd select!

Thanks Mom for all you are to me!!  There are not enough words to express how much I love you!!  You have always been my "Rock" and I don't know what I would do without you!!  You are not just my mom, but one of my best friends!  Thanks for always listening when I need a shoulder to cry on, for standing beside me when I needed a little encouragement, but mostly for loving me unconditionally!!  After all that is what love is all about!!  I love you more than you could ever know!!  You are my hero!!

Math Does Too!!

I know you have all been waiting for the rest of my results, and I am happy to report that Math Rocks too!! My class blew it out the water again!! I truly can't believe how great they did.  It has truly made me reflect on myself this week and given me a lot of confidence!!  I am so excited!!  Through all the trials and tribulations I have been through this year, I still managed to be successful!! Thank You, Jesus!!  I owe it all to him!!

Reading Rocks!

I know I haven't written in a while.  I haven't had a lot of time lately, and nothing real exciting to write about.  But today was a different day!!  So Extra! Extra! Read All About It!!

I have written several posts before about my career as a teacher.  I think I may have even spoke about the reading class I have been teaching this year and how difficult it has been for me.  Well today my reading class took a standardized test for reading.  Every Fall and Spring the 2nd- 5th graders at my school take the MAP test ( Measurement of Academic Progress).  The beginning of the year isn't very stressful, because its pretty much a starting point and areas to work on to make each child successful.  But by the time May roles around its pretty stressful for teachers, because it is in my case the only measurement of my success for the year.  Our 3rd through 5th grades also take PACT. 

Having the above average students this year has really put a toll on me.  I have to admit through all my frustrations, I have enjoyed the students immensely.  They are all so fabulous and I love each of them in different ways.  Last night as I anticipated our testing today, I felt very nervous, couldn't sleep and even began to cry at one point.  You see when children this bright score so well the first time around, it isn't easy to show growth, in fact many times they lose a few points or stay the same.  I was very afraid this may happen.

But OMG did they surprise me.  We went into the computer lab this morning and I felt my stomach sink to the ground.  The moment they clicked "Begin Test" my heart began racing.  For 1 hour I paced the floor, moving back and forth watching and waiting.  The good thing about this test is that as soon as the child is finished their score pops up and you have immediate results.  The first student finished and I rushed over to see how they did.  He not only met his goal, but exceeded it.  I felt a little relieved.  Then the next student finished, same thing.  I was like OMG!! What is happening here? 

To finish out the story, my results were phenomenal!!  Out of 21 students only 4 didn't meet their goal and the ones that did, actually went over by 7 or more points.  I was truly amazed!!  I wanted to scream, dance and shout all at once, but I couldn't!!

I have never been one to brag on myself, and have never really had a lot of confidence, but I just have to say,

"I'M SO EXCITED, THAT I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT!!!"

It has been an amazing day!! I can only hope tomorrow will be just as amazing with the math portion.

Stay tuned........

A Teacher's Heart

  I have been a teacher now for ten years.  WOW!  That sounds like so much time!  I have always felt that I was given this special gift from God and I try very hard to give one hundred percent of myself. 

One thing that makes me a little different from most teachers is that every year I fall in love.  A new class comes in and somehow within the first few weeks, they steal my heart.  They are each so special and each one has something special to bring to our class to make us complete.  I talk with my class every year about the fact that we are like a family.  I tease them and tell them that I am their school MOM and they are my children.  I really take this to heart. 

Over the past few weeks, I have experienced some situations with my children, that have made me really think about how so many of them need me to love them.  Sometimes I am the only smile they see, the only hug they get, the only positive words said to them. 

Whether its the little boy who doesn't know where he will be sleeping that night, or the little girl who witnesses a mother's abuse or the child whose parents split up and he somehow feels its his fault.   These are the situations you don't learn about in school.  There are no guidelines on healing a child's wounds.  You just have to be there for them and help them through.  I try to tell my children everyday before they leave me to have a great night, and to always remember, "Mrs. Jackson loves you".  I hope that is enough for some of my little children to make it through whatever life may be handing them.  They are so young and most of them innocent.  I am so grateful to be given each group of children I receive year after year.  Even the ones that challenge you the most somehow reach in a take a piece of my heart away.  After all they are the ones that need me the most!  

You can learn many things in school about being a teacher.  How to teach a child to read, addition and subtraction strategies, skills for teaching science and social studies.  They don't teach you how to handle difficult situations in the lives of your children.  These are things you have to acquire on your own.  Much like having a teacher's heart!

 

Dear Lord,Thank you for giving the ability to love and teach children.  Please watch over each one of them tonight.  Whatever they may be experiencing Lord, I pray that you would touch their lives.  Thank you for letting each special one be a part of my life!!

 

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are endless. ~ Mother Teresa

Grandma's Song

I guess by now, you have all seen how much I love to write poetry.  It has always been a way for me to express myself, no matter what I'm feeling.  Friday night I happen to notice Rusty's mom lying in Nathan's bed just staring at the ceiling.  She had been reading books with Nathan, but just like any two year old, he got tired of that and went on his way.  I walked in there and lay beside her.  I asked

" Are you thinking about Granddaddy?"  This is very easy to do in Nathan's room, since that is where he was when God called him home.  She said "All the time!"  " What am I going to do? I don't know what to do."  I felt my heart ache so much for her, because I know the pain in her heart is 100 time worse than what I feel inside.  We lay there and cried together for a few moments.  Many nights when I go to bed, I think about her in that house by herself and wonder what she may be doing.  She tells me that she sleeps in Granddaddy's chair at night, so I picture her there, missing him so much.  Anyway that is what inspired this poem.  I have been working on it for a few nights and it is now complete. 

 

I was lying in bed and imagined her there,

All cuddled up in your favorite chair.

I saw the hurt in her eyes, can't imagine the pain in her heart. 

She wants to live life again, but she doesn't know where to start.

She feels so lost, she doesn't know what to do,

Will the love you gave her be enough to get her through?

She longs to see your face again to see your beautiful smile,

to hold your hand, sit by your side and talk for just awhile.

Every word you ever said plays over in her mind,

She'd give everything she has to hear your voice just one more time.

So many years together, now so far apart,

Oh Lord, please help her heal her wounded, broken heart!

Your spirit is all around her, every place you've ever been,

The memories you made will last until you meet again.

Granddaddy, hold her close and keep watch from up above,

Let her know you will always be there, so she can feel your love.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Today, Mom, Karen and I went and had spa treatment at The Nail Studio.  Up until a few months ago this was a biweekly event for us.  Life has sort of gotten in the way lately and we haven't been since November.  They welcomed us today and seemed very excited we were there.  We always seem to become "the life of the party" when we are there.  We had a blast and actually got DELUXE pedicures and HOT OIL manicures.  Having done this today, I started thinking about how mani/pedis are definitely two of my favorite things.  This inspired me to write this poem.  I hope you enjoy!

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Bubble baths by candlelight, bathing in the sunlight, butterfly kisses that say goodnight., these are my favorite things.

Dinner and a movie with my favorite girls, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry swirls, feeling like I'm on top of the world, these are my favorite things.

Singing in the shower, a bouquet of beautiful flowers, pillow talk for hours, these are my favorite things.

Laughing til I cry, the taste of sweet apple pie (a la mode),fireworks on the Fourth of July, these are my favorite things.

The sound of little feet, hugs and kisses, ( what a treat!), dancing to a familiar beat , these are my favorite things.

Gentle massages, weekends away, vacations to the beach, a Happy Birthday!

Manicures and pedicures, carpet picnics while watching TV, being serenaded by two special boys, spending time with my family.

What more could I want, what more could I need?  All of these things are what make me, ME!

Fun Friday

Tonight we had a house full of guests.  We were suppose to go out to eat, but Nathan started feeling a little under the weather, so the party came to us.  We ordered in Wild Wings, and really enjoyed being together.  Nathan perked up and he and Patrick had a blast playing with Grandma, Aunt Brenda, Aunt Debra, Dexter and Lindsay.

Once everyone had left and things had settled down, Rusty told Patrick it was time to put his patch on for the night.  You see a year ago this month we discovered that our oldest son Patrick was having trouble seeing.  When we took him to the doctor, we never expected them to say his vision in both eyes was 20/100.  I'll never forget the way my heart felt that day.  But we let him pick out his glasses and our journey into "sightseeing" had begun.  After a few visits they told us that his left eye was stronger than his right, so we patch his left eye each night for one hour to help the right.  He has two patches that we purchased online to help make this process a little fun.  His favorite is the one with a lightning bolt and a capital P.  He says it stands for "POWERFUL Patrick" , although the company says powerful patch.  Tonight when it was time to put it on, Nathan asked if he could have one.  So here is the result of his question:

 

How cute!! He really does love his brother and wants to do EVERYTHING he does.  What can I say, he's a HOOT!

Goodbye Sassy

Today I had to do let my cat Sassy go.  I didn't realize how hard something like that would be, until I had to do it. 

I hadn't even left school yet when I got the call that something was wrong with her.  She had one whole in her side and another on her bottom.  I truly thought someone had tried to hurt her.  All the way to the Emergency clinic, I kept telling myself she would be alright. 

When the doctor came in a told me how bad off she was, I knew she wasn't going to make it.  He told me he could do a couple of surgeries, but he couldn't guarantee me that she would make it through them. 

A dog had gotten a hold of her and almost completely taken her tail off.  It was ripped all the way to her spine, so no matter what she would have nerve damage and would not live a normal life again.

Being by myself, I had to make the decision.  The doctor kept telling me it was okay to decide to let her go, but oh how it made my heart break.  I finally went in to see her and there she was lying on the table so feeble, so frail, and in so much pain.  My heart wouldn't take it.  I started crying and telling the doctor that I didn't want her to live like that.  I didn't want to let her go either.  Once I decided to let them put her to sleep, he told me that was the best decision I could make and that letting her go only meant I loved her that much. 

So Sassy went to heaven today.  Patrick and Nathan took the news okay.  Nathan kept saying "Sassy's with Jesus?"  It broke my heart.  But I said yes Nathan Sassy's with Jesus. 

I know she is better off, but signing her life away was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I will truly miss her!

Facts about ME

My mom tagged me with this little game.  Since the only blogger friends I have are family and they have already been tagged, I won't be passing this along to anyone new.  Here it goes...

Middle Name "Hoopla"

1. You must post the rules before you answer.

2. List one fact about yourself using each letter of your middle name or if no middle name, use your maiden name.

3. Then you must tag one person for each letter of your name.

 

Exciting- most of my friends say I am very fun to be around. 
They often call me "the life of the party".  I am not really sure I agree, but I do love to have fun!

Loving-  I have a big heart and love many people, especially my family.

Inquisitive- Even though I teach second graders on a daily basis, I love learning myself.  I find it fascinating to learn new concepts or strategies  that help me in my job.  I also love new things that help in my everyday life!

Zesty- I guess you could say I bring flavor to my life and the life of others.  ( I had to think of something)

Amiable- My mom used to tell  me that I could make friends with a stranger and often times I did.  I am definitely a friendly, pleasant person.

Bubbly-most people would describe me as having a bubbly personality.  I try to see the good in everyone and in every situation.  I have actually been criticized before for being too happy.  How do you do that?

Energetic-  I do somehow manage to have a lot of energy throughout the day, however, by 8:00 at night that is obsolete.  I try to put everything I have into everything I do!

Talented- God has blessed me with many talents.  The ones that stick out the most to me are singing, teaching, writing and taking care of others.

Happy- most of the time- that would sum me up in one word!

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday everyone.  It has been a crazy week for us!  We spent a long weekend together last weekend and enjoyed being together as a family.  But then on Tuesday, I had to bring Patrick home early from school because he had a touch of the stomach bug.  Wednesday and Thursday went pretty smoothly.  Nathan did however start with a cold on Thursday night.  Yesterday was the worst of our week.  While I was sitting in the teacher's lounge getting ready to eat lunch, I got word that Patrick was in the health room again.  When I got to him I learned that someone in his class had sat on his head a pushed it into the ground.  The nurse was concerned because his left pupil was larger than his right.  I rushed him to the pediatrician's office and he sent us directly to the emergency room, where we spent the rest of the afternoon.  They drew some blood, monitored his heart and did a CAT scan.  After several hours, we were told everything came back okay and that he had a mild head injury.  I was so proud of Patrick.  He never cried, whined or complained.  Not even when they put an IV in his arm.  I feel really lucky that he is okay.  We have to watch him for the rest of the weekend and keep him calm.  He has been a real trooper!!!

Anyway, we are all doing well today.  We are spending the day finishing some household projects we have been putting off.

I wanted to leave you with a poem I received through email today.  My 14 year old nephew wrote it this week for his English class.  I am proud of him.  It really puts things in perspective for my family!

     I Really Do Love You

        By: Tyler Williams

It’s like standing in the desert wishing for rain

Waiting here wishing to see you again

I’m saying all these prayers but they never come true

Am I praying to God or am I talking to you?

Discomfort and loneliness is what I see in her eyes

It starts as a tear drop then turns into a cry

She’d give up everything just to touch your face

She’s longing so badly to get out of this place.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you

This feeling in my stomach, it’s nothing really new

But this time the pain isn’t temporary

It hurts inside and this time it’s scary.

It’s hard to admit my own selfishness and pride

Cause I didn’t take the time to tell you goodbye

I didn’t tell you I loved you or anything like that

Now I’m reading this poem wishing you were back.

So tune in Granddad, this poem is for you

I really need to talk cause I don’t know what to do

Every line of this poem, every word of it is true

I really hope that you’re listening, cause I’ll always love you.

Silent Tears

Sometimes, I see you waving down the field,

whether to say good morning or goodnight. 

At times I think I see you sitting in the truck,

getting ready to go on an errand.

I see you in so many places, and remember all the times,

you were there beside me, talking and laughing.

I try to hide my tears, so that no one will see, how much I really

miss you.  I try to be strong so I can move on, but my heart just

can't seem to let go.  I still ask why, even though I know I shouldn't.

It's not for me to know now, but it just doesn't seem right.  Its so

hard to sit in your chair, go inside the shed, or walk by your room. 

I keep telling myself that in time it will be easier, but oh how my

heart aches.  If only I could see you one more time.  To tell you how

much you meant to me.  To tell you how much I loved you, or just

one last chance to say goodbye.  Those are the things my heart

longs for the most.  I keep all these feelings hidden behind silent

tears.  I feel them welling up inside me and I swallow them back

down, so no one else will see.  I wish for you to see all that life

has brought us over the past few months.  If only my boys could hug

you once more.  If only Rusty could speak to you again.  I want to say

goodbye or so long, yet my heart won't let go.  I know you are in a

better place, but I still wish you were here.  So I will just keep crying

silent tears, so no one else will see.  How much I really miss you and

that my heart has not healed.  You will never be forgotten, you will

forever be in my heart.  Until we meet again.....

Tearful Tuesday

Today has been a pretty hectic day.  It started out with me missing a child at school, only to learn that he had left my room without asking and went to the library.  Throughout the rest of my day I was dealing with several discipline problems, missed my planning for a meeting, and then another email. 

You see I teach second grade.  This year we had such a gap in the levels of our children, we decided to group our kids for reading. It is a great idea, and though it may not seem so, I am enjoying teaching the "cream of the crop".  But with these advanced kids comes many challenges.  My biggest one is making sure I am meeting the expectations of the parents.  I have been very hard on myself, because every time I turn around, I get either a note, phone call, or email asking me to do more, or questioning my teaching strategies.  I know they are concerned about their children, but man does it break you down!  I spend a lot of time planning for this class and truly feel I don't have another ounce of myself to give.  I love the children, we have really bonded.  To me they are growing and learning a lot. (so am I)  This is the first time I have taught a class like this, so I know I am not perfect at it, but I am trying very hard to meet the needs of my children.   I truly see this as a growing experience for me and enjoy learning new strategies and ideas to teach the higher level skills I am teaching. 

Today after receiving one more email, I fell to pieces at school.  Luckily my friend Alice, who also happens to be my literacy coach, was there with me.  She has been so wonderful to me.  I meet with her every week to go over my plans, not because she wants to see them, but because I want her approval.  She kept telling me today that I was the expert, " You are an excellent teacher"!  My first response was, you think I am, but not everybody does.  She reminded me many times how hard I am on myself, and that I needed to "let it go" and realize I wasn't doing anything wrong.  I really look up to Alice!  I've always thought she was the greatest teacher.  She has given me so much support and I can't thank her enough!  So I decided to take her words and bury them in my heart!

Tonight as I was reflecting on my day, I started thinking about how I am a good teacher.  God gave me this talent for a reason.  I love kids, all of them, no matter their background, personality or behavior.  I give 100 percent of myself to my job and I have decided I am not going to let all of this bring me down anymore. 

I keep repeating my favorite verse, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  I know if I let go and let God give me the strength, I will make it through.  It's easier said than done, but I am going to try my best to "Let it Go" and be the best teacher I know how to be!!

Dancing the Night Away

When I was a little girl, my parents did have much.  There was four children in our family and it took a lot to keep us clothed and food on the table.  We weren't ever really able to go out to eat, to the movies and those kinds of things, so my parents always improvised at home and made Friday nights special for us.  When there was just three of us at home ( Karen is much younger than us) we would have to invent things to play.  Most days, as long as the sun was shining and it was " a pretty day"  we would spend outside pretending to be everything we could think of.  But on many occasions you could find us in the house playing dress up.  We loved to play GREASE.  My oldest sister Susanne was always the "costume designer" and Phillip and I her guinea pigs. She would dress me up like Sandy and grease Phillip's hair back so he could be Danny.  We would take the posts off of our canopy bed and use them as microphones.  We would sing and dance the whole movie.  I guess you could say we were the "Great Pretenders". 

The most fun we ever had was on the Friday nights my dad would come home from work, change his clothes and call us to his bedroom for our weekly dance party.  You see my dad collected and still collects 45s.  He would play one right after another and we would dance and sing the night away.  My dad would take turns dancing with his girls whirling and twirling us.  We didn't know life could be any better than that.

For Christmas this year, my parents bought me an Ipod Nano.  It has been the best gift ever.  I have enjoyed it so much, but no one loves it more than my dad.  He keeps calling it "OUR" ipod.  Last night we went to spend the evening with my parents and I took "our" ipod with me, knowing he was going to ask for it. We started going through his CDs to download more songs and man was that like those Friday nights way back when.  We sang, danced and laughed.  I could just picture myself as that little girl so many years ago.  We had a BLAST!!

Thanks dad for all those times you spent with us on Friday nights!  I know that is where I gained my love for music!  I will never forget our "Dance parties" or how you always made me feel special when it was my turn to be "dipped"!  I love you more than you will ever know!  I had a great time last night!

Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But earthly music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it's beyond description
To hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
Trust God and have no fear
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face?
May God uplift your spirit
As I tell Him of your love
Then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.
So let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirits sing
For I'm spending Christmas in Heaven
And I'm walking with the king!

This is a poem that was read aloud at the memorial service I attended a couple of weeks ago with my husband and his family.  Needless to say there wasn't a dry eye in the room.  This poem has really stuck with me and I find myself repeating over and over that Granddaddy is spending Christmas with Jesus this year.  It has been very difficult for us to decorate and celebrate the season without him.  When making my Christmas list I realized I won't be purchasing a present for him this year.  No more gift cards to Lowe's or Home Depot.  The moment I start to cry, I remember the words of  this poem and some how I am comforted.  What joy he must feel singing with the angels.  There is no better place to celebrate the birth of Jesus than with his father.  I know he must be so happy there, but oh how our hearts long to see his face. 

Today for the first time our littlest Nathan asked for his Granddaddy.  How it hurt to tell him that Granddaddy had to go "Bye Bye" knowing he doesn't understand.  It was hard to look in his little eyes and see how much he wanted to see him.  But I know we all will one day, when we reach heaven and we get the opportunity to Spend Christmas with the KING!

Happy Birthday Nathan!

Today marks the second year of my precious son Nathan's life.  I doesn't seem that could be possible.  I was holding him in my arms today ( He is sick with a sinus infection) and began reflecting on his little life.  I remember that Friday night when my water broke at midnight, and the long 15 hours it took him to get here.  But then I remembered when I saw him for the first time.  How wonderful that felt to finally touch him and kiss his beautiful face!  I remember Dr. Stands saying, " Here he is, our newest Gamecock"  and my mother shouting he looks just like Patrick.  A new journey of life had begun for me that day.  I was now the mother of two boys.  How wonderful!  He has filled my life with so much joy!  Nathan is very full of life! He loves to sing and dance.  I think he may be an entertainer when he grows up!   He definitely keeps me on my toes

( and knees a lot cleaning up after messes) but I am so glad that God gave him to me.  I watch him grow more and more everyday, and everyday my love for him grows more and more!  He is a special little guy that brings joy to everyone whose life he touches.  We are celebrating Nathan today, my only regret is that I wish his granddaddy was here to celebrate with us! 

Happy Birthday Nathan!  Mommy loves you very much!

 

Mountains to climb

I haven't posted in a while.  I told Karen this morning that I haven't because I feel like all I ever write anymore is sad.  I don't want to seem depressed all the time, and really I'm not, but I do have my ups and downs.

Today was very hard for my family.  We started out okay, cooking, getting ready for our Thanksgiving feast with Rusty's family, we even handled greeting them well.  But, after fixing our plates and sitting down to eat, the sorrow inside our hearts hit once again.  I turned to look over at Rusty and his eyes were so filled with tears that they were just running down his face.  I looked around only to notice that others saw the same thing and were hurting.  It was at that moment that I realized that we have a lot of hurdles to jump over the next few months and its just not going to get any easier right now. 

My brother-in-law insisted that we take some group pictures today, because it had been a long time since we had.  When it came time to gather around as a family, we all looked at each other and began to cry again.  It just doesn't seem right without Granddaddy.  Several times over the past few days we were counting how many were eating supper and we are one less.  It's very hard to deal with.

I keep telling myself that it will get better, but I just want to know when.  My heart doesn't feel any better and my mind can't erase the events of that day.  I miss him so much and I wish so much he was still here with us. 

Life isn't the same without you, Granddaddy!  We all miss you so much!  The boys are doing okay, but Rusty misses you more than you will ever know.  We think about you in everything we do and we will always love you!

Smiling Again

Today I returned home from a special trip to Savannah, with my mom and two sisters.  We had a great time and lots of delicious food.  We did a lot of shopping and bonding.  It was truly a great experience.  We laughed every chance we had and life was good. 

I am not saying that life isn't good at home, but right now, it isn't great.  This was the first time since my father- in - law passed away that I had been away from my family.  When I returned home everything was quiet and sad all over again.  Over the weekend, my husband and his two sisters planted some grass that their father never had the chance to do and with Patrick and Nathan's help planted a beautiful tree in memory of "Granddaddy".  I think it has really taken a toll on Rusty.  He told me tonight that he had a terrible break down last night on his sisters.  I can't imagine how he feels and I want so much to take his hurt away.

After cleaning out a few areas when I got home( thanks to watching clean house yesterday) we began to clean out our video tapes and DVD.  We found a few black tapes and decided to put them in the VCR to see what they were.  We found tapes of Patrick as a baby and many times Granddaddy was in them.  Patrick's face would light up and he would smile so big.  He kept saying "there's granddaddy again".  It was wonderful to sit there and watch him.  Even though my heart broke all over again. I am so glad that Patrick could smile at the thought of his granddaddy. 

We do miss him so much. Living life without him is so hard, and I wish I could see him again.  Tonight I did get to see him, even if it was just through videos.  I heard his laugh again and was able to see that wonderful smile.  For a moment he was here with us.  That was a really good feeling.  I felt happy and at the same time sad.  I wish he was here with us! 

We miss you so much Granddaddy! 

Prayers for Patrick

 Today after our family went to the fair, we stopped off at the cemetery to look at the grave marker for Granddaddy. Patrick was sitting in the back of the car, and when we pulled into the cemetery he said,"  Is this where Granddaddy is?"  My sister-in-law quickly answered yes and then asked him if it was okay to stop by.  Patrick hesitated for a minute then said yes it was.  When we all got out of the car and started walking toward his grave, I saw tears begin to fall from Patrick's eyes.  Since he hasn't really shown much emotion, I felt somewhat relieved.  He stood there and looked at the flowers, then stared at the ground.  I wondered what he must have been thinking.  After a few minutes he walked away and headed to a bench that was nearby and sat down.  We waited a few minutes to see what he was going to do.  Before anyone else could get to him, Nathan followed him and climbed up beside Patrick.  They sat there for a few minutes, then Nathan put his arm around Patrick's neck.  We all began to sob.  Finally Rusty walked over to them both and sat beside Patrick.  I waited and watched.  Then after a few moments I went to sit beside him as well.  Patrick sat on my lap, wrapped his arms around my neck and cried.  I felt so helpless and nothing I  could say or do would take his hurt away.  His little heart is broken and that is almost too much for me to bear.  After we sat there a good while and he had settled down, he started asking about leaving things on Granddaddy's grave for him.  We told him he could give Granddaddy anything he wanted.  After thinking for a few moments he decided to put the Gamecock flag he had won at the fair on the grave along with a stuffed fish Rusty had also won.  He told his grandmother the fish was there because he and Granddaddy had been fishing at the pond together.  Then he sat down on the ground and just stared for awhile, not really speaking at all.  We all stood around in case he needed us and just watched as this precious little man, wished for his granddaddy to come home. 

My heart hurts so much, not only for me, but for Rusty, Patrick and Nathan.  I keep thinking in my mind that we have so much of life left to live and we have to do it without Granddaddy.  How do you tell a six year old it will be okay, when you aren't sure yourself.  I keep telling Patrick to hold Granddaddy in his heart and think of all the wonderful things they did together.  He was such a good granddaddy!  Patrick loved him so much and they spent a lot of time together.  I hope that the memories will be enough to get him through, and that in time his little heart will heal. 

Please pray for Patrick!