Happy Birthday Nathan!

Today marks the second year of my precious son Nathan's life.  I doesn't seem that could be possible.  I was holding him in my arms today ( He is sick with a sinus infection) and began reflecting on his little life.  I remember that Friday night when my water broke at midnight, and the long 15 hours it took him to get here.  But then I remembered when I saw him for the first time.  How wonderful that felt to finally touch him and kiss his beautiful face!  I remember Dr. Stands saying, " Here he is, our newest Gamecock"  and my mother shouting he looks just like Patrick.  A new journey of life had begun for me that day.  I was now the mother of two boys.  How wonderful!  He has filled my life with so much joy!  Nathan is very full of life! He loves to sing and dance.  I think he may be an entertainer when he grows up!   He definitely keeps me on my toes

( and knees a lot cleaning up after messes) but I am so glad that God gave him to me.  I watch him grow more and more everyday, and everyday my love for him grows more and more!  He is a special little guy that brings joy to everyone whose life he touches.  We are celebrating Nathan today, my only regret is that I wish his granddaddy was here to celebrate with us! 

Happy Birthday Nathan!  Mommy loves you very much!

 

Mountains to climb

I haven't posted in a while.  I told Karen this morning that I haven't because I feel like all I ever write anymore is sad.  I don't want to seem depressed all the time, and really I'm not, but I do have my ups and downs.

Today was very hard for my family.  We started out okay, cooking, getting ready for our Thanksgiving feast with Rusty's family, we even handled greeting them well.  But, after fixing our plates and sitting down to eat, the sorrow inside our hearts hit once again.  I turned to look over at Rusty and his eyes were so filled with tears that they were just running down his face.  I looked around only to notice that others saw the same thing and were hurting.  It was at that moment that I realized that we have a lot of hurdles to jump over the next few months and its just not going to get any easier right now. 

My brother-in-law insisted that we take some group pictures today, because it had been a long time since we had.  When it came time to gather around as a family, we all looked at each other and began to cry again.  It just doesn't seem right without Granddaddy.  Several times over the past few days we were counting how many were eating supper and we are one less.  It's very hard to deal with.

I keep telling myself that it will get better, but I just want to know when.  My heart doesn't feel any better and my mind can't erase the events of that day.  I miss him so much and I wish so much he was still here with us. 

Life isn't the same without you, Granddaddy!  We all miss you so much!  The boys are doing okay, but Rusty misses you more than you will ever know.  We think about you in everything we do and we will always love you!

Smiling Again

Today I returned home from a special trip to Savannah, with my mom and two sisters.  We had a great time and lots of delicious food.  We did a lot of shopping and bonding.  It was truly a great experience.  We laughed every chance we had and life was good. 

I am not saying that life isn't good at home, but right now, it isn't great.  This was the first time since my father- in - law passed away that I had been away from my family.  When I returned home everything was quiet and sad all over again.  Over the weekend, my husband and his two sisters planted some grass that their father never had the chance to do and with Patrick and Nathan's help planted a beautiful tree in memory of "Granddaddy".  I think it has really taken a toll on Rusty.  He told me tonight that he had a terrible break down last night on his sisters.  I can't imagine how he feels and I want so much to take his hurt away.

After cleaning out a few areas when I got home( thanks to watching clean house yesterday) we began to clean out our video tapes and DVD.  We found a few black tapes and decided to put them in the VCR to see what they were.  We found tapes of Patrick as a baby and many times Granddaddy was in them.  Patrick's face would light up and he would smile so big.  He kept saying "there's granddaddy again".  It was wonderful to sit there and watch him.  Even though my heart broke all over again. I am so glad that Patrick could smile at the thought of his granddaddy. 

We do miss him so much. Living life without him is so hard, and I wish I could see him again.  Tonight I did get to see him, even if it was just through videos.  I heard his laugh again and was able to see that wonderful smile.  For a moment he was here with us.  That was a really good feeling.  I felt happy and at the same time sad.  I wish he was here with us! 

We miss you so much Granddaddy!